It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
