Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
