I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize