Soap is not a condiment
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
