I should be sponsored by Trojan
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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