do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
