just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
