My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
