Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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