She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
