Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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