The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
