she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
