we have officially lost it.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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