I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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