I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
