I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
