Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
