My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
