Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
