my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
