New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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