my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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