How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
