Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
