He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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