Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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