I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
