My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize