Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
