We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
