I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
