____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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