I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
