How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
