dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
