When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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