Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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