Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
