I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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