Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
