he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
