so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I am naked and annoyed.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
