Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
