Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
