I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
