Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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