Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
