I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
