The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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