You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
