I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
