Your dad touched me again.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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