i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
