Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Someone came in the potted fern
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
