Screwed.edu
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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