somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
