I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
